I’ve tried to fight for the past two years the inevitable settling in to the office admin lifestyle, a future filled with novelty sweaters and bulk candy pilled into puff paint decorated jars. Offices are kept at meat locker temperatures so here I am swaddled in a deep purple pashmina although the summer sun in shinning through my window. I’m about to leave my comfortable office life behind to cavort on the open road but before I go I wanted to share some of the office candies that have medicated me through the boredom of a bookkeeping slog or Wednesday afternoon IS THIS REAL LIFE despair. Having a bit of sugar to gnaw on so you don’t slay your adversaries (or those ignorant Medicare phone representatives) when the calories dip is incredibly useful. These are some of the candies I’ve tried in order to keep out of a peanut M&M rut.
WATERMELON SALT WATER TAFFY FROM CUB FOODS BULK BINS
These reminds me of those afternoons spent at the public pool, plastic laminated pass safety pinned to the corner of my ragged beach towel. Remember those massive laffy taffy bars that were pale pink and long like a calf’s tongue? The cherry flavor was my standard (especially the ones with sprinkles, oh good god) but every once in a while I would run across the rare watermelon ones which had embedded black seeds on the top of the bar that were CRUNCHY. What perverted food scientist came up with that delight?
Anyways, these suckers taste EXACTLY like those weirdo taffy bars. The colors are a tropical dream, lime green outside and a hot pink middle with three black dots that morph depending on the piece, some contorting into a tortured smile. This particular one reminded me of one of my favorite chapters in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory where Willy Wonka attempts to explain Square Candies that Look Round to dumbfounded children. These I eat at all hours of the day for stress medicating purposes. I mean, look at those vibrant colors! I can’t be sad when I am eating hot pink! Right? WARNING: more than three will induce a piercing afternoon corn syrup spike headache
MEI YUAN KUMQUATS
These were purchased on a whim while strolling around United Noodles. They are best at around 2 pm with a mug of Japanese green tea. I used to use a meditation app to slay the inner gnawing beast that is my psyche so after seven minutes of sitting still and observing my thoughts, I am quite hungry. These chewy, tart but sugar squeezed nuggets transport me to a lush garden where I am brushing the long silk sleeves of my gown against a marble tabletop as I pour more tea and feel the breeze flow past my earlobes. Lovely.
Do not eat with coffee. It is a taste bud train wreck.
SINA GINGER CANDY
I have an unflinching love of the zingiberaceae family and Ginger is Queen Mother. These ginger chews are my secretary secret weapon. These are great for those staff members whose sniffling and hacking is getting on your nerves, as they can treat any old malaise and even be dissolved into hot water to make a quick n’ easy ginger tea. I’ve even fed these to a pregnant and paranoid intern who didn’t drink coffee because it was too strong but didn’t mind downing these during a bout of morning sickness as these are **pure** since they only contain cane sugar and ginger. At only 80 cents a box at Cub, these suckers are cheap enough to buy and toss into your backpack to have around at all time. I keep some in the first aid kit in my car’s glove box and next to the condoms and other accouterments in my sex box under the bed (as they will banish AM breath in snap). I discovered recently that United Noodles carries different flavors of these ginger candies and the ginger mango combo is just a goddamn dream boat.
Another Cub Food find, this time in the cheap candies aisle (99 cents a bag!) nearby the candy dots (worst excuse for eating paper) and 83% wax red strawberry laces. This is a gloppy, low brow black licorice which is more corn syrup than anything else. Motherfucking Grandma candy if I’ve ever tasted it. It dissolves directly onto the back molars and take serious fiddling with a floss pick to get it off. I’m halfway tempted to lick one of these and roll it in some sea salt to see if it will taste better (a la Norwegian salted black licorice which is DANK) but that is more energy than this stuff is worth. That being said, not bad with a weak cup of coffee.
CLAEY’S OLD FASHIONED HARD CANDIES – SASSAFRAS FLAVOR
I bought these candies on my annual trip to Walmart (THE HORROR) along with a tube of that lipstick from Drew Barrymore line, which was a perfect matte brick red and really quite nice. I’m a child of the 90s and adore a bold lip, there was no way that was staying out of my basket. The candies went into my shopping basket mostly so I could shout SASSAFRAS at my mom over and over while doing a little dance. I don’t think they cost more than $1. I discovered quickly that sassafras tastes like flat root beer banged herbal cough drops. I want my medicine to be medicine and my candy to be candy. Full stop. I threw these into the trash.